Better
Communication Skills
in just
20 Days!

       "We don't communicate!" This is the single most frequently heard reason couples give for seeking counseling or attending an Imago Workshop.  And, of course, those couples have come to a great place since Imago has, in our opinion, the best communication tool around - the Imago Dialogue.  Most couples reading this will have already received training in how to dialogue.  Now, the trick is to you get yourselves to use it enough before you need it so that when the next road bump hits, you'll be prepared!

      Research tells us it takes 21 days to develop a new habit.  People entering into recovery programs are told to "do 90 meetings in 90 days".  It simply stands to reason that couples wishing to learn better communication skills must dialogue EVERY DAY for at least 20 days if they are to be successful!

 

Introducing: 
20 Dialogues in 20 Days

      20 Dialogues in 20 Days is a simple daily guide that provides you a topic to talk about each day for twenty days. The probability of meeting your goal, which is to replace your normal way of dealing with conflict with the conscious tool we call "Dialogue", is greatly enhanced via daily practice and the restriction of early dialogues to safe subjects.  Only after several weeks of practice are couples invited to discuss problem issues in their relationship.

Four Easy Steps:  

     Each day for 20 days, partners will take turns being the sender in a brief dialogue, using a topic from the Dialogue Topics Guide. While the first partner, (Partner A,) "sends", the other will mirror, validate and empathize.  Then, both will switch roles and repeat.  The second "sender", (Partner B,) will  a) respond, if desired, to A's "send" and then b) send their own message about that day's topic.  When done, Partner A gets to say if they would like a chance to respond to Partner B's send.

Step One:  Someone will need to download 2 copies of the following pages:

Dialogue Instructions
Dialogue Flowchart
20 Dialogues in 20 Days: Topics   POST several copies of this list where you will see them daily!

Step Two: Decide who will initiate each day.

THIS IS PERHAPS THE MOST CRUCIAL STEP!  It's actually difficult to do anything new every day for 20 days - our lives, feelings, energy levels, etc., simply vary too much from day to day.  So while most people can do the dialogue, finding the time and getting started each day can prove challenging. 

For most couples, sharing the responsibility of bringing up the day's topic works best.  One can initiate on even numbered days and the other on odd days.  Each person initiates on their designated days, WHETHER OR NOT THEIR PARTNER INITIATED THE DAY BEFORE.  See below for hints on handling common initiation stumbling blocks.

Step Three: Decide when might be a good time each day to dialogue. 

The chances of success will be greatly enhanced if you can pair your daily talk with another regularly occurring activity:  e.g., while taking a walk, making or eating dinner, after the kids go down, lying in bed before going to sleep, etc. 

Step Four:  Begin and keep it going.  

After reviewing the downloaded pages, Partner A initiates the first dialogue.  In the beginning, it can help to use the Dialogue Flowchart.  Once you are familiar with the dialogue, we would suggest putting this aside so your talks will feel more natural.

FAQ's

How should we initiate?  Each day, the initiating partner begins by either a) asking if this is a good time to do the dialogue (e.g., "Do you want to do our Dialogue now?"), or b) by simply volunteering a "send" about the day's topic.  If Partner B doesn't mirror spontaneously, Partner A should playfully request them to do so. 

For example:  "OK, honey, today's dialogue is a complement and I really want you to know how much I love the way you handled our son last night."  No response.  "OK, Dialogue Alert!  It's day e l e v e n and the topic is nudity at the office. . ."

I find it hard to initiate.  How can I get myself to stay on course? Our best advice:  keep reminding yourself why you are doing this.  You WANT a better relationship, yes?  You want more PEACE, less fighting, more closeness, safety and respect, yes?  Perhaps you want a better relationship for your kids sake or because you fear the loss of your marriage if you don't learn to communicate.  Whatever your motivation, write it down and POST IT where you will see it DAILY! 

What if one of us just doesn't initiate?  In some relationships, one person may end up becoming more the initiator simply because they find it easier, or at least easier than their partner, to do so.  OUR STRONG RECOMENDAITON: if the low (or lower) desire partner is willing to participate once things get going, and if their initiating is not a core issue for the other, then perhaps initially (for the first couple of weeks or so), the higher desire partner will be willing to stretch into carrying more of the initiation load knowing that the other's stretch will be in doing the exercise. (After all, it's not really reasonable to expect someone to suddenly go from a lifetime of rarely talking about themselves or their feelings to not only talking daily but initiating as well!)   However, by week three, the low desire partner should be initiating at least a third of the time.

How long should we talk? Dialogues need not last more than 10 to 15 minutes. In general, limit dialogues to a maximum of 20 to 30 minutes.

Do we talk about our "issues"?  No, not in the first 2 weeks.  You are in "Dialogue Training" and will not be ready to tackle an issue until you have had at least 14 days of practice. 

What if we miss a day?  If you miss a day (and of course, this will happen,) simply pick back up where you left off the following day.  It's more important to do all 20 dialogues than it is to do them in exactly 20 days.

Can we skip around in selecting a topic?  The topics are arranged to keep a balance between light and somewhat more serious topics.  You can, of course, choose to skip around.  The only caveat is to postpone discussion of relationship topics that have negative energy around them until you have completed roughly fourteen dialogues.

Feedback for Barbara:  Your willingness to send me feedback on how this goes, (Including quotes I might use on this page) will be extremely appreciated and helpful to others.  Thank you!

Get Your 20 Dialogues in 20 Days Topics Now!

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