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The
IMAGO DIALOGUE:
GUIDELINES
FOR THE RECEIVER
(See
Guidelines for the Sender Below)
1.
LISTEN:
As your partner
speaks, agree to listen without interrupting until he/she pauses
or until you ask them to pause.
2. MIRROR:
“What I heard you say is . . . . .”
Repeat back everything your partner says
without significantly adding to nor taking away from it. Paraphrasing
is fine but be careful NOT TO SEND while in the Receiver role.
The magic of dialogue lies in allowing the Sender to be COMPLETELY
in charge of where the conversation goes. Once you ask a question
or insert a comment or tone of voice not sent by the Sender, the
dialogue is now about your agenda, not theirs.
Check it out:
“Did I hear that?” Or, “Did
I get you?”
Check to make sure you
correctly mirrored all that your partner said. If your partner
clarifies or corrects something, listen, then mirror again.
Continue until your partner says you got it.
Ask for more:
“Is there more?”
If
your partner adds more, mirror, check it out, and then ask,
“Is there more?” again. Repeat until your partner says
there's no more.
3. SUMMARIZE
if a lot has been
said. “If
I got it all . . . .”
Check for completeness.
“Did I get it all?”
Mirror any additions your partner makes.
4. VALIDATE
“You (or What you’ve
said,) make(s) sense to me because . . .”
Validate the
content of what your partner is saying. Remember,
validation is not about agreement. Rather, it is about letting
the other know that what they are saying makes sense from their
point of view. (“I can see how when I didn't’t speak
to you after I came home last night, you thought I was mad at you.
That makes sense.”)
If something
your partner says doesn't make sense, ask them to help you understand
by asking them to say more about that. "Help me understand,
could you say more about . . . "
5. EMPATHIZE. “I
can imagine that you might be feeling . . . . (angry, hurt, scared,
frustrated, etc.).”
To empathize
means to imagine what another person is feeling about what they
are saying or experiencing. Feelings can be distinguished
from thoughts in that feelings can generally be described in one
word: hurt, excited, hopeful, etc.
If you have trouble empathizing, try to imagine how it might feel
if the tables were turned. Or, try to recall a time when someone
did something to you that is similar to what your partner is describing
now. Although you may well have reacted somewhat differently than
your partner, you can still utilize your memory of that experience
to help you understand and empathize with your partner’s feelings.
GUIDELINES
FOR THE SENDER
1.
Statement of Intentionality.
Begin with an introductory statement that helps your partner feel
safe about "what" and "how" you are going to
send. "I want you to know that I am sharing this with
you because I care about our relationship." Or, "I
want this to be a win win discussion."
Remember to
pause periodically so your partner can mirror back what you’ve
said. If your partner does not mirror, ask them to do so in a non-demanding
manner.
2. One
topic per dialogue!
3. Use
“I” statements.
These are sentences that begin with the word “I” and
which describe how you feel and what you need. ”I feel uncared
for when you . . .” Or, “When you don’t call,
I start to get scared and angry . . .”. “I” statements
reduce the blaming caused by “you” statements. (”You
don’t care about my feelings . . .” “You make
me . . .”) Note: “I think that you . . .”, does
not qualify as an “I” statement.
4. Maintain a non-threatening,
non-accusatory tone of voice.
If your voice
is angry, your partner will have no choice but to put up their defenses
and they will have a difficult time mirroring. If you cannot remove
the anger, it is not a good time to ask for a dialogue. Wait until
you are more calm.
5. Select your words
carefully.
It is inflammatory to blame, label, mind-read or use absolutes (e.g.,
”you always” and “you never”). It is quite
acceptable to say: “I feel unloved when you don’t talk
to me”. It is NOT acceptable to say: “You never talk
to me because you are selfish and do not love me.”
6.
Actively reinforce positive behaviors!
If you like the way your partner mirrors what you have said, SAY
SO! “Thank you for
hearing me. It really helped.” |
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